my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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