were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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