so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
