Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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