It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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