i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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