was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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