well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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