I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
