May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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