My liver just broke up with me...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
honey bunches of taint.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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