Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
