I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
