she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
