the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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