she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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