I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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