Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I need to calm my uterus...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
