dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
