I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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