i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
