I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize