No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
