just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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