I got chris browned last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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