i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
