Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
