matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
