the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
