Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
