I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She just used a chaser for red wine.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
