I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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