Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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