dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize