The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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