It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
