i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
