Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
