i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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