so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
