My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
