Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
