You're my little dorito
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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