So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When are your genitals available?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
