he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
