She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
