i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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