Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
