i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
