There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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