my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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