Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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