Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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