Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
