hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
