he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
