Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
