Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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