After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
