I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
