"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
