I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
