Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
