Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
