We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she told me i tasted like america
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
