I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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