the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
im six kinds of drunk right now
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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